Every Moment

That same irritating buzz informs my brain to transmit a message to the rest of my body that it is time to get back to work.
With a deep breath and a stifled sigh I move my toes so as to move the blanket off of me feet slowly. Don't want to send shocks through my body, you got to wake up nice in slow in order for the day to go smoothly.
Instead of falling snow the crack between the curtains solves the mystery of the weather. Sunny with a high of 75, love that song.
A new day brings new struggles, new experiences, new faces and conversations. Yesterday still screams loudly in the back of your mind, secretly choosing your responses for today.
Nobody really understands it... no one knows what the outcome of the day will bring, though we speculate and always hope for the best.
Life's unexpected turns leave everyone with a sense of uneasiness in the back of their minds. We don't do well with the uncertainty. We are controlling beings and the idea of not knowing what the next moment brings causes us to act first and think later.
Our lack of faith in a human's character tends to make us question their motives and many times we misjudge others, we put others down to make ourselves feel better.
Why can't we be honest about our insecurities, embrace the fact that we cannot obtain perfection and give those worries and weaknesses to out maker?
When I look at human behavior, especially my own I end up feeling sad and confused. This may sound like some preacher conveying a "holier then thou" message from a pulpit but I am putting myself in the mix. I want to help make this world a better place. I know that I will not be here forever, I understand that this lifetime will only feel like a minute compared to eternity.
We have to plan for that... never take a moment for granted. Shed those weaknesses and allow God's strength to shine through.
Just a thought,
That's all for now
~Amy Jo~

The Prodigal

I want to run away, to get lost for a day.
I wish to run barefoot through an open field, to lie down and stare at the sky. To pause and thank God for the beauty that lies in silence.
I want to thank the busy bee and the hard working ant for reminding me that there is always more to be done and that there is more to this life then my selfish problems.
I want to stare at my reflection in a river, reach down and distort that image as a reminder that beauty is more then the surface of my skin.
I want to stop and pray for my loved ones so that they will feel overwhelmed with love from both God and I.
I want to forget about my self pity;
My low self esteem.
I want to wash away my negative thoughts,
Aiming to dismiss the thoughts of money, love, work and failure from my mind.
How much time have a allowed to be wasted with my own doubts? Of God? Of my own ability?
I can't count the number of falling tears that have been caused by pointless frustration and forgettable pain.
When one is as blessed as I am I count myself as selfish from taken these blessings for granted,
So as I lay on that soft grass, still wet from the midnight dew, I will reminisce on my childhood. My childlike faith that could move mountains; the faith that I possessed before this world taught me that high hopes were foolish.
Before this worlds lessons of "socially acceptable behavior" distorted my once beautifully painted picture of God's plan for me.
At one time my fingers danced on the cheeks of my mother expressing love and cherishing her beauty; this was before I became consumed with perfection.
Perfection...
Oh how I yearned to reach that place of sweet contentment.
Pushed, struggled, fought to cross that finish line called "perfection."
Laughter arises in my soul as I think back on my ridiculous perception of life and the immature thought of the attainment of becoming perfect.
I see the clouds forming shapes that I do not recognize,
Again I am in the dark... for God's plan is beyond my comprehension.
Try as I might to understand all of His love and mercy,
I must come to grips with the fact that I will not obtain this eternal oasis on this earthly journey.
Faith in His plan must suffice.
Looking around at the obvious glory that He has placed together in His creations.
The trees... rich green hunched over branches weighed down from a long life lived here.
The birds flying not to make us who cannot defy gravity jealous but instead they soar because it was what they were designed to do, plan and simple.
God is our foundation He bears the weight of this world if we allow Him, if we hand over our own insecurities and trust Him to dispose of them.
Forgiven, forgotten.  
The smell of a fresh spring breeze, inhale, exhale... Take it in. Allow God's love to overcome you body and soul as you feel the warmth of the sun fall upon your face.
I want to get lost for a day,
So that I can find you again and leave my old self behind... I don't want her anymore.

That's all for now,
~Amy Jo~

Raindrops on Roses

A heavy heart is like trying to outrun a hurricane. Its weight is ever approaching and when it reaches the surface there is no escaping it, and so you take a deep breathe and you take it in. It over powers every muscle it suffocate's you and all you can do is wait for its current to pass.
You keep the pain inside; not wanting to add to the burden of anyone else's life.
What is the point?
People don't really understand your unique situation and their apologies don't make sense, I mean it's not like it is their fault... Why do they say that they are sorry then?
We know that they care, but the word sorry is a way to ask for forgiveness. I wish their was a word to better describe the sorrow that you feel for someone you love's pain.
I write this entry with a down turned smile and droopy eyes.
Exhausted, somewhat broken. I am not sure where to go from this point. I don't have the answers, and the questions continue to come into my mind.
One day I will look back on this tiring time and I will be able to see what the next step will be but for now its just another part in my adventure to get to where I am going.
Hopefully it won't be too painful of a journey.
That's all for now
~Amy Jo~

Inconsistency

Why is it that we change our minds over and over and over again. In today's society we are given the option to change our direction based on every shift of emotion and the people and places around us will do their best to aid in your new pursuit in life.
We have this overwhelming fear of failure, of rejection, of even the possibility of defeat so instead of facing these fears head on we turn around and we start a dead sprint in the opposite direction.
Let me be the first to confess that I change my mind based on an newly discovered whim that pops into my mind.
Hopeless romantic, perfectionist, social butterfly... these combine into a lethal combination at times. Learning how to stick to my guns, how to think through the situation at hand and to follow through has been one of the toughest lessons to cross my path.
When someone makes me smile, my heart tends to melt.
When hateful words cause me to cry, I guard myself from any future pain.
When someone tells me that they love me, I would take a bullet for them.
This characteristic that I happen to have an abundance of is compassion. My most powerful gift but when used without discernment it can be my greatest weakness.
In life when we are faced with tough times the most difficult move to make is to look into the mirror and examine our own issues. Instead of searching through our own inconsistency we will aim our frustration and anger at those around us, those we love, people in the media, complete strangers; it doesn't matter who we place the blame on as long as it is someone other then ourselves.
It is my most recent mission to examine my own weaknesses, I hope that in doing this I will be able to become a stronger and better person.
As I said I am a perfectionist... it is my natural tendency to act as though everything is going perfectly on the exterior; all the while I am broken internally. So this step is huge for me... And I hope it inspires others to do the same.
That's all for now,
~Amy Jo~  

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

When I feel overwhelmed with the hardship of this world, my natural reaction is to turn to a reliable friend. This week I have been reminded of all the amazing people I have been blessed to have in my life. I don't understand why it is so easy to take these fantastic people for granted.
I run to these people when thing's don't go well and I complain about how tough my life is... they listen patiently, they hold my tightly and they remind me that I am loved. How is it that I can whine so easily and so constantly? I wish instead that I would take this time and shower them with the love that they deserve! 
I want to make them smile... like the billion times they have caused my lips to curve upward 
I want to hold them tight... just as their embraces have warmed my spirit 
They deserve the very best in this life; I only hope that I have added something special to their lives. Each and every one of these friends have impacted my life in such a special way. I don't think they realize how much their love and support means to me throughout each day. 
I hope they feel my grateful I am for them...
I pray that they are able to see how without them I would not be the same person that I am today. 
"A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity." -- Robert Hall
I know what my friends have done for me... I only hope that they consider me to one of those special people that they could not live without because I know that my life would be a much darker place without them. 


That's all for now
~Amy Jo~

To the groove of my heart-beat and melody

Topic up for discussion, MUSIC. What an amazing connection that we are all able to share as humans. We argue about it, defend it, listen to it for hours, to relate to when we are sad and to sing along to when we are feeling our best. The instruments, the harmonies, the lyrics that speak the very words that you are feeling. When you're sad someone shouts out the name of a band they heard one time that would help you out in that situation. Why is it that music can bring a smile back onto our face when we have been crying for hours?
Why is it the solution to so many problems?
There's something that brings us all together in the creativity of a rocked out band session. Its the vibrations in the floor, the sweat dripping from the intensity of the moment and its the soul and conviction that lies within the voice of the artist. It's being able to lash out, to scream at the top of our lungs, to say the things we are too afraid or ashamed to say... set to beat, rhythm and chords.
How is it that when we hear the right words combined with right instruments and the right pace... when it is sung by the right voice... when all the elements come into place at the right time... how is it that we are able to shed our heightened emotions and we replace them with a chilled out persona?
It just works.
It doesn't need a reason,
or an answer...
That is what makes music so special, it breaks the rules, it creates its own path, it gives each individual a voice and an outlet to express themselves whether it be intricately or simply.
All I know is that for me it has become something to which I rely on. It has become a faithful friend.

That's all for now,
~Amy Jo~

Poem 2

A Distant Dream

My patience wears thin

As my thoughts pace my hearts surface…

Leaving parts bare like balding grass

Confusion about my circumstances

Haunts my daily routine

Causing me to question every last detail

My dreams are vivid

I feel your arms around me

Holding me

For fear that in letting go

You will lose that connection

Between our intertwined heartstrings

You won’t let me fall

Your strength carry’s me

Through every trial

My tears seize

My laughter grows

You are the light to my life

Pause

Awaken

Do you even exist?  

~Amy Strop~

02/17/11