Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Every Moment

That same irritating buzz informs my brain to transmit a message to the rest of my body that it is time to get back to work.
With a deep breath and a stifled sigh I move my toes so as to move the blanket off of me feet slowly. Don't want to send shocks through my body, you got to wake up nice in slow in order for the day to go smoothly.
Instead of falling snow the crack between the curtains solves the mystery of the weather. Sunny with a high of 75, love that song.
A new day brings new struggles, new experiences, new faces and conversations. Yesterday still screams loudly in the back of your mind, secretly choosing your responses for today.
Nobody really understands it... no one knows what the outcome of the day will bring, though we speculate and always hope for the best.
Life's unexpected turns leave everyone with a sense of uneasiness in the back of their minds. We don't do well with the uncertainty. We are controlling beings and the idea of not knowing what the next moment brings causes us to act first and think later.
Our lack of faith in a human's character tends to make us question their motives and many times we misjudge others, we put others down to make ourselves feel better.
Why can't we be honest about our insecurities, embrace the fact that we cannot obtain perfection and give those worries and weaknesses to out maker?
When I look at human behavior, especially my own I end up feeling sad and confused. This may sound like some preacher conveying a "holier then thou" message from a pulpit but I am putting myself in the mix. I want to help make this world a better place. I know that I will not be here forever, I understand that this lifetime will only feel like a minute compared to eternity.
We have to plan for that... never take a moment for granted. Shed those weaknesses and allow God's strength to shine through.
Just a thought,
That's all for now
~Amy Jo~

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Prodigal

I want to run away, to get lost for a day.
I wish to run barefoot through an open field, to lie down and stare at the sky. To pause and thank God for the beauty that lies in silence.
I want to thank the busy bee and the hard working ant for reminding me that there is always more to be done and that there is more to this life then my selfish problems.
I want to stare at my reflection in a river, reach down and distort that image as a reminder that beauty is more then the surface of my skin.
I want to stop and pray for my loved ones so that they will feel overwhelmed with love from both God and I.
I want to forget about my self pity;
My low self esteem.
I want to wash away my negative thoughts,
Aiming to dismiss the thoughts of money, love, work and failure from my mind.
How much time have a allowed to be wasted with my own doubts? Of God? Of my own ability?
I can't count the number of falling tears that have been caused by pointless frustration and forgettable pain.
When one is as blessed as I am I count myself as selfish from taken these blessings for granted,
So as I lay on that soft grass, still wet from the midnight dew, I will reminisce on my childhood. My childlike faith that could move mountains; the faith that I possessed before this world taught me that high hopes were foolish.
Before this worlds lessons of "socially acceptable behavior" distorted my once beautifully painted picture of God's plan for me.
At one time my fingers danced on the cheeks of my mother expressing love and cherishing her beauty; this was before I became consumed with perfection.
Oh how I yearned to reach that place of sweet contentment.
Pushed, struggled, fought to cross that finish line called "perfection."
Laughter arises in my soul as I think back on my ridiculous perception of life and the immature thought of the attainment of becoming perfect.
I see the clouds forming shapes that I do not recognize,
Again I am in the dark... for God's plan is beyond my comprehension.
Try as I might to understand all of His love and mercy,
I must come to grips with the fact that I will not obtain this eternal oasis on this earthly journey.
Faith in His plan must suffice.
Looking around at the obvious glory that He has placed together in His creations.
The trees... rich green hunched over branches weighed down from a long life lived here.
The birds flying not to make us who cannot defy gravity jealous but instead they soar because it was what they were designed to do, plan and simple.
God is our foundation He bears the weight of this world if we allow Him, if we hand over our own insecurities and trust Him to dispose of them.
Forgiven, forgotten.  
The smell of a fresh spring breeze, inhale, exhale... Take it in. Allow God's love to overcome you body and soul as you feel the warmth of the sun fall upon your face.
I want to get lost for a day,
So that I can find you again and leave my old self behind... I don't want her anymore.

That's all for now,
~Amy Jo~

Monday, March 7, 2011

Raindrops on Roses

A heavy heart is like trying to outrun a hurricane. Its weight is ever approaching and when it reaches the surface there is no escaping it, and so you take a deep breathe and you take it in. It over powers every muscle it suffocate's you and all you can do is wait for its current to pass.
You keep the pain inside; not wanting to add to the burden of anyone else's life.
What is the point?
People don't really understand your unique situation and their apologies don't make sense, I mean it's not like it is their fault... Why do they say that they are sorry then?
We know that they care, but the word sorry is a way to ask for forgiveness. I wish their was a word to better describe the sorrow that you feel for someone you love's pain.
I write this entry with a down turned smile and droopy eyes.
Exhausted, somewhat broken. I am not sure where to go from this point. I don't have the answers, and the questions continue to come into my mind.
One day I will look back on this tiring time and I will be able to see what the next step will be but for now its just another part in my adventure to get to where I am going.
Hopefully it won't be too painful of a journey.
That's all for now
~Amy Jo~